I do not want to go
by yuialex
Summary: This is a story written about Mizuki and how she deals with her choice of changing her life to stay as a boy to support Sano in Japan.
To my dear readers, I hope everyone reading this will be inspired to write something else themselves so that I have more hanakimi stories to read myself. Yes I am egoistic, the (almost) only reason this story exist is so that I can get more stuff to read myself. Haha

I really do love Hanakim and have read the manga, watched both the Japanese drama, pluss the Korean and Taiwan versions. This story is mainly based on the manga, but you will understand it if you know the concept of Hanakimi. I do unfortunate not own anything except those sentenced written here inspired by this fantastic manga.

 **I do not want to go**

Mizukis point of view

Sometimes she thought he knew what she wanted to hide, that she was in fact not a boy.  
As if his watching eyes could almost look thru her layers of clothes and see her feminine body. They did after all share a bedroom. She was afraid of the possible confrontation this secret could bring, she did not dare to speculate how their relationship could be different.

She was also afraid of her own unexpected complicated feelings. Her head and heart was conflicted considering the situation. To keep on lying or to finally tell the truth. She was even so confused that she could not tell which part of her was telling her to do what.

It is not that she did not want him or her friends to know, in fact she really wanted to tell them all. To put her trust in them, but for now she had to endure. She had to act as if she was someone else.  
Unfortunate her secret were a lot more complicated than just a small matter. If someone discovers her gender, it would change everything.  
If her friends knew, would they still think of her as a friend?  
If Sano knew, would he still share a room with her? Would he still want her in his life?  
And the most complicated, if the school knew, would they kick her out?

As the situation was she could not ask anyone for a second opinion and thus she had to rely only on her own mind to answer those questions. The conclusion? Her friends would leave her, feeling betrayed. As a boy they expected her to be one of them, someone to share secrets in variety of different circumstances they would not normally tell a girl. She could not break her friends trust by reviling her identity.  
Sano would request another roommate because it would be less stressful for him to share with a boy. Imagine how he would feel if he knew those times she ended up in his bed sleeping, that he was sharing with a girl not a manly boy. Because of her lies he would prefer not to have any contact with her.  
The schools administration would kick her out without a doubt. During her life a lot of people have told her she might be a little innocent and naive but even she could see that her hiding herself as an boy at a boy school, in a dorm for boys was not acceptably. She could not even be mad if everyone turned their back on her, everyone had a good reason to do so. She was lying about an essential subject.

If she had to travel back to America, how would she explain herself to her family? Everyone would be disappointed because of her actions. Few would understand her reason. Not that many would travel to a new country to motivate someone (they had never met in person) so this person could high jump again. She could understand how someone would find it a little extreme. Even so, to lie or to uphold hundreds of miles between her and Sano? It was a easy choice.

So for now she had to counter her fears, taking a deep breath and keep on lying.

In her head she want to believe that even if nearly everything about her life is different from a year ago, she remains essentially the same, only she now has to act and live as an had to agree with herself that she was doing a great job so far, and no one even assumed there was something different about her.  
No one knew she was in fact a girl. Except the doctor and some of his family members of course, but they promised to help her. It had to be a gene in that family who made them really observant, for the most parts.  
Julia knew from the beginning so she did not count. Otherwise it was and is a success.

As it is now she were not given the satisfaction to express her identity because of her determination to stay by his side. She could not loose him.

Not yet.

Not until Sano jumps again, not until he would be flying over the bar, landing on the mattress with a smile on his face.  
Flying like he is back where he belongs, in the sky with wings. Free as a bird.

So for now she would be a he.  
She would hide herself and become a important person to him, someone to support him during his tough time. To help him counter his temporary weakness and fears. A shoulder to lean on. A friendly manly shoulder of course.

After a little while staying in the same dorm she realized something. Sanos choice of words, the way his presence made her feel, just him in general made her heart flutter. The atmosphere of the bedroom always changed when he was around. There could be a far deeper meaning to that, but for now she would not focus on what he made her feel, only what she could do for him.

She noticed in the beginning that her own feelings and wishes for him to jump was without consideration to his feelings. It would be less stressful for him without her there she had to acknowledge. Those thought left her frustrated, but in the end she realized despite everything, her assessments of him wanting to jump existed. The only problem was that he was just not doing anything about to change his reality. Her new life purpose was to be his force of nature, guiding him in the right direction.  
To be someone for him to lean on and cheering him forward to a brighter future she knew he deserved.

Finally she could do something for the one person who made her life easier to live when it was complicated. When she was having a hard time back in America, reading about him always made her days brighter. It was almost like he was her sun. Now was the time to be his supporter, not just mentally from overseas, underneath the surface, but someone he could interact with daily. Someone who could make him smile and laugh again.

For now she would stand on the sidelines, cheering him forward. Helping and doing whatever she could to get him into the sky again. To make his face lid up like a light as it used to do when he won a contest.

It was not easy, living this lie to make him high jump again, but her life without him in it would be even harder. Forgetting nothing about her own heart did have its downsides sometimes, but for him she could endure. Everyday she had to take a deep breath and meeting him with an encouraging smile, hiding her own heart underneath the surface, for now.  
At this moment she would do everything in her power so that he again would be a high jumping star, with her on the sidelines crying with joy every time he would fly in the sky. She hoped that when it happens he would still have the time for her so that they could stay together in the future as well.

 **The end**

Hope you liked this story, and please give me a review.

I am thinking of writing a similar story, but from Sanos point of view in the near future so this might be updated.


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